The New Bottoming Book Read online

  So whips do not have to be about pain and punishment. They can be sensual and sexual in and of themselves, and they don’t need to hurt unless you want them to.

  Basic safety info about whips: don’t allow yourself to be hit with anything hard on bone or over organs, or on any other part of your body that could be easily damaged; save heavy whips for well-padded flesh like the ass and thighs, or the big muscles of the upper back. Safer sex requires that whips be cleaned between uses, particularly if skin has been broken or abraded, or if they’ve come into contact with semen or vaginal fluid. Remember, you can’t always know for sure whether a whip has been contaminated, so when in doubt, clean. If you can’t clean it, put it aside for a month in a dry, cool place.

  Sensation sluts tend to collect lots and lots of whips, because each has a slightly different feeling when it lands, and when you keep changing the feeling you can make a whipping interesting for a really long time. What this means for the novice is that if you don’t like the feel of the whip that is being used on you, just try a different one. With any new toy, start out with light taps and build up as you get to know the feel of it.

  You will probably eventually want to own some of your favorite whips – that way they’ll always be on hand, and you can take responsibility for their cleanliness. Most new players start out enjoying thick heavy floggers with lots of tails, and avoiding thin stringy whips that sting – sting is a taste which some acquire quickly, some later, and some never acquire.

  Dossie, in her pilgrim’s progress from terrified novice to pain pig, for a while said that she didn’t like pain but did like intense stimulation. Toward the end of this period, a potential top introduced herself at a party, saying that a mutual friend had told her that Dossie was into pain. Dossie replied, “No, I’m not, but you won’t be able to tell the difference.”

  She notes:

  Recently I received a lengthy flogging on my ass with a deep thuddy flogger, so I could feel the reverberations of the strokes deep inside shaking up all my sexual parts. To my amazement, and with no other stimulation, I came three times.

  SURFING THE PAIN. There is a particular way of breathing and timing that works well in pain scenes; Dossie calls it “surfing the pain.” Make your top read this part too – you’ll need someone to remind you when to do what, like a labor coach. This strategy involves relaxing your body so the pain sort of flows through you: you’ll find you can ride it like a wave.

  The most important single physical skill for the pain slut, we think, is breathing. It’s almost impossible to get in trouble in a scene – panicky, hysterical or out of control – if you’re breathing deeply and regularly. If you sense yourself losing control, the first thing to do is try to regulate your breathing. Sometimes your top will remind you verbally to breathe, or place a hand on your chest to remind you to breathe, or simply breathe the way he wants you to, encouraging you to pace your breathing together.

  You are at your most relaxed physically when you breathe out, so your top can tell you – in words or by example

  – when to inhale and exhale, and arrange to hit you or pull off a clip while you are breathing out. Striking at the very end of an exhalation has the added advantage of helping to prevent screaming if you don’t have a soundproof playroom – it’s hard to shriek if you have no air in your lungs.

  Making sounds such as screaming or moaning can keep your breathing regular and help release some of the energy your body is taking in. (If you’re a screamer or a moaner, and you’re playing in a non-soundproof environment, ask for a gag, a pillow, or a piece of leather or cloth to bite, and make all the noise you want into it.) Janet says, “The pitch of the noise I make is a reliable indicator of how tense I am: A deep moan or growl means my neck and throat muscles are relaxed and I’m basically dealing well with the sensation, whereas a high-pitched scream means I may be heading for trouble.”

  Along with deep, regular breaths, focus on relaxing your muscles. You might be tensing up muscles in the area that’s receiving sensation – say, for example, your ass. The taut muscles make the area being stimulated feel “harder,” and may make the sensation tougher to take. Or you might be tensing muscles elsewhere in your body, typically your neck and shoulders, stomach or face. This tension makes your breathing shallow, increases the likelihood that you’ll panic or suffer an emotional upset, and prevents you from accepting as much sensation as you’d like. With practice, you can stay very still and relaxed and achieve a trancelike state. A good top can help you relax by placing a hand on the tense part and sending some energy into your muscles, possibly even moving the part back and forth to loosen it up.

  This can serve to move your attention away from the focal point of pain or sex, and get you reconnected to your entire body, not just the spot that’s getting done to. You can do this yourself by taking in and releasing your breath, and letting your attention cruise your whole body, starting out with toes and fingers and gradually letting your attention move back into your center. You may find interesting sensations out there on the periphery that you haven’t been noticing: Do your toes tingle? Do your fingers itch to knead something, like a cat? When you’re ready to focus back on the sensations your top is providing, you’ll be surprised with a happy increase in intensity.

  Once you have learned to surf the pain by staying relaxed, it is interesting to tense up your muscles on purpose, in order to feel the strokes even more intensely. You can do this yourself, or your top can instruct you when to relax and when to tense. So you can let the play come in waves, each convulsion of pain followed by feelings of warmth and pleasure. This is how some bottoms giggle or laugh with joy in the midst of horrible “torture.” Such bottoms can go on for a very long time like this, so tops should be prepared to have stamina or put together a relay team.

  If the sensation you’re feeling is strong, particularly if it’s a rhythmic or steady sensation without too much variation, you may be able to leave your body for a while, assuming this is OK with your top. Music provides a convenient, friendly “boat” on which you can float away. Or focus on a light, an object, a mantra – anything that lets you drift. It may help to imagine that the sensation is happening to someone else, not to you. (A warning on leaving your body: It’s very easy to lose touch with what’s going on to the point that you allow damage to be done to you. Be sure you trust your top, and that you’ve negotiated limits very thoroughly, before you go on any pleasure cruises.) Your top can bring you back into your body with hands on skin, massage, physical closeness or calling your name.

  As we mentioned earlier, all these skills can be consciously learned as “head” skills. Your body also learns to process sensations differently over time: both of us have noticed that our endorphins flow much quicker than they used to.

  Most bottoms also find that they bruise much less as they bottom more. However, if you get to where you enjoy heavy pain scenes, you will sooner or later have to face the reality of bruises, welts and scratches – commonly referred to as “marks.” Some bottoms love marks and feel disappointed if they don’t have any after a session: we know one who keeps a scrapbook full of Polaroid photos of the aftermath of her pleasure. But if you don’t like to be marked, you have a dilemma – we don’t know any way to play with heavy pain without running a risk of marking. You can reduce the probability of marks by avoiding aspirin and other anti-inflammatory drugs the day you play, and by putting ice on the affected areas immediately after the scene.

  Your body may let you know that you’ve gone far enough with symptoms of dizziness, nausea or trembling. You need to let your top know when this happens, and either take a break, change stimulation or bring the scene to a close. Sometimes changing from a standing to a lying-down position will solve the problem and you can continue without difficulty. A drink of water, and perhaps a bite to eat, can be a very good idea too. Other times, these are symptoms that you are getting ready to faint, which is kind of rude. You may be shaky and cold after an intense pain scene
– we recommend blankets and warm bodies.

  The reward of a good pain scene is a transcendent and blissful high that persists for at least an hour or two, and maybe even into the next day – be prepared to relax and enjoy it. This may not be a good time to drive a car, but it is probably a great time to make love.

  BODY MODIFICATION

  BODY modification refers to piercing, cutting, tattooing, branding and scarification, as well as body sculpting through corsetry and related practices, often intended to permanently mark or alter the body. These practices are currently very popular, and piercing and tattooing “parlors” are now found in most large and many smaller cities. People who are into piercing, cutting and tattooing may or may not be into S/M, and may or may not take masochistic pleasure in the sensation involved. Some mark important events or transitions in their lives by having another tattoo or piercing, while others acquire multiple piercings and cuttings over time just for the sake of having the decorated body that results.

  Rings in permanent piercings through the nipples or parts of the genitalia can also be looked upon as installed toys: interesting sensations result from pulling or twisting, or warming the metal by dripping wax from a white paraffin candle on it. Piercings tend to increase the sensitivity and arousability of the part of the body they inhabit, and some people get rings installed so they can feel more sensation in that particular area. We also find the gleam of metal in unlikely places very attractive.

  Piercings, cuttings and brands can be temporary or permanent – some people play with tattoo needles with no ink – but it’s important to remember that you can’t really predict how your body will heal, so don’t count on a shallow cutting or temporary piercing disappearing without a scar. Safety is a major consideration in any form of play that opens the skin, so please do not attempt this at home without taking the time and trouble to learn about how to do it right. It’s best to take a workshop or consult with one of the professionals in your area to find out if your plan is feasible and safe. We are not going to tell you how to do body modification scenes in this book because a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, and there is a lot to know before you attempt a body modification. If you want a permanent piercing or scarification to come out well, consult a pro.

  Playing with cutting might involve a shallow decorative cut, no deeper than a cat scratch, done for the experience itself and not intended to leave a permanent mark. Play piercing involves placing needles through the skin (not deeper). Thread or string can be laced around the needles to hang weights on, or to tie the needles together so the piercings get pulled every time you forget to hold still. A white paraffin candle can be used to dribble hot wax on the needles, which warms them up under the skin until the sensation is barely tolerable – oh, my!

  Very elaborate play piercing scenes can be done with lots of needles and strings attached to some sort of frame that winds up being a form of sculpture. Bottoms will enjoy the sensation of being able to pull on the needles by pulling against the strings; you’ll be surprised by how hard you can pull with no damage. A steady pressure can feel very good, and to this end small weights are sometimes hung from play piercing needles.

  Piercing, cutting, branding and tattooing can all give the bottom tremendous endorphin rushes. In planning this kind of play please remember that you may get very high, so plan on some recovery time when you don’t have to be responsible and can enjoy the experience. Please don’t drive until you come down.

  Physical safety note: play clean, with sharps containers, gloves, and lots of alcohol (oooh, sting!). Emotional safety note: when you open up the body by cutting or burning or piercing the skin, there is often a genuine opening of the mind, emotions and spirit as well. This opening can make you very vulnerable, which feels wonderful and has certain inherent dangers. If you’re going to be all open, with no defenses, take care to be with people that you like and trust, and make provisions for your emotional as well as physical safety. On the positive side, sharing this profound opening with people you love can be an experience of intense connection and deep intimacy.

  LOOKIN’ GOOD

  COSTUMERY AND DRAG. Lots of us love to get dressed up. Costumes we have seen and worn for public play range from a few artfully draped chains on an otherwise charmingly naked body to full military uniforms and prom queens complete with crinolines and tiaras. We call all of it drag, to honor our outspoken elders, the drag queens, who paved the way for public outrageousness through very conspicuous personal appearances. Drag is also a word that implies bringing out an alternate persona – when we do business, your authors get themselves up in corporate drag that brings out the businesswoman within. Similarly, to call forth any inner self who plays a role in our fantasies, we can wear the costume to help us become the character.

  S/M drag has many forms and many purposes, and the reasons a player might choose to dress up are as diverse as our fantasies.

  There are practical reasons for dressing up. For example, some of the better play parties and clubs in San Francisco won’t let you in the door in normal clothes, thus helping keep vanilla gawkers out and maintaining a festively pervy atmosphere.

  Warmth is a good thing. One of your authors discovered the joys of lingerie, particularly thigh-high stockings, when she was living in the mountains and heating with wood. Lingerie was clothing you could have sex in that would also keep you warm. Another player at an S/M camp out in the high and chilly mountains found a hundred ways to eroticize a union suit.

  There are other practical limits to drag that you want to keep in mind. Elaborate antique clothes are too fragile to wear for most scenes, and whatever you wear needs to be calculated to work for sexual accessibility. If you like for your partner to take your clothes off you, it behooves you to select clothing that will make this fairly easy. Strapless dresses, for instance, are essential if you want to have your clothes removed while your hands are tied. And if your dream scene involves your wicked ravager cutting your garments off with a very sharp knife, it is accepted and conventional to pick up a set of something cheap at a thrift store for the purpose. A helpful hint: nylon tricot, the stuff most slips are made out of, is just about impossible to cut with a knife. Scissors work.

  Shopping can be foreplay. If you love to shop, drag is for you. Major money is no requirement: many of the best drag queens excel at creating magnificent ensembles from the thrift store, and there are advantages to the fact that discount stores often feature rather trashy fashion. Tawdry is another fantasy, right?

  Drag can be for you regardless of your age, size or gender: this is sex, and we all want to look our best. Lots of wonderful clothes and undies are designed to enhance and uncover our innate sexiness: stockings and heels, chest harnesses, corsets and codpieces, whatever makes you look, and feel, like your sexiest self. And by wearing sexy garments, we present ourselves to the world as sexual beings.

  Fetish wear is fashion designed specifically to please a sexual fetish. Clothing made of leather or spandex or rubber, chains or ropes, textures and tastes and smells can evoke a particular eroticism in the wearer or his partner. Impossibly high heels may enhance a feeling of helplessness, leather garments next to the skin may bring out the primitive. Costumes can make you very aware of your body by restricting certain movements, or by exposing parts that don’t normally get out in the open air.

  Clothing can shape your body and change the way you move. Corsets and waist-cinchers, push-up bras and posture collars can sculpt the body of your dreams. Broad-shouldered jackets and heavy-soled boots give the timidest wearer a powerful butch swagger. Constricting the body can also cause what feels like release of endorphins: the first time Dossie got strapped into a waist cincher, she was surprised and delighted to experience an almost instantaneous shift in consciousness, from everyday awareness to highly excited and happy.

  Women’s lingerie is often specifically designed to be sexual, in appearance and texture and in what is revealed: maybe that’s one reason so many men love to
cross-dress. Many women are turned on to shorts and briefs and undershirts to express and sexualize the male parts of themselves.

  We can dress for our loves. If what we wear turns our tops on, that works for us. Sometimes dressing is a major part of play. A body servant can lovingly dress and undress his mistress, a Daddy top can play dolls with her little girl. Drag changes who you are to each other, and can be a way of announcing to your lovers that you are in a particular frame of mind, or looking for a particular scene. If you wear your police uniform, does that mean you want to arrest me?

  Make new connections: Dossie loves costumes, the bigger the better, drag is a necessity of life to her. She has been constantly amazed and delighted to watch the different people who respond to her in her different presentations (yes, presentation, like a yummy dish). One time she went to a play party all done up as Scarlet O’Hara in red satin, corset and crinolines, and to her amazement attracted and played with two gay men in exquisitely tailored uniforms. Surprises are so nice.

  Costumes change your awareness of who you are. When you wear something out of the ordinary you get to be someone out of the ordinary. If you present yourself as the Princess of the Playroom, that is how other people will see you, respond to you, and treat you. So if you want to make your fantasies come real, dress yourself up in your favorite fantasy, and watch everybody else relate to your fantasy self.