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  NEGOTIATING FOR BIGGER AND BETTER SCENES

  SO here you are, you’ve made your list and so has your top, you’re ready to play. Now what?

  Negotiating a scene is basically mutual scheming. What you want to do is compare notes on the things you like till you come up with a list of things you would both enjoy or be comfortable doing, and then you get to do them. So you start by proposing the things you’re interested in (remember the YES-NO-MAYBE list?) and asking your prospective top what sorts of things she likes. This always starts the negotiation out on a positive footing since talking about sexy filthy dirty forbidden things that you might want to do is, although embarrassing, a tremendous turn-on.

  Don’t forget to ask your top what he would like to get out of the scene: too often negotiation is all about the bottom’s likes and limits, which is to say about the things the top should and should not do. Inviting your top to tell you what she likes and what her limits are will help make you a popular bottom.

  Negotiations must include your limits and any physical or medical problems that require special attention (people with heart problems may do better lying down than standing up, asthmatics need to be able to breathe freely, etc.). Negotiation also must include a discussion of your practices about safer sex, and how you will protect each other’s health. If this is difficult for you, we suggest you go to a workshop on safer sex risk reduction: your local AIDS program can probably direct you to one, or check the Bibliography for good books on safer sex. We are a sexually active group, and it is imperative that we learn to protect each other from the transmission of diseases: there are no exceptions, and no acceptable excuses. We do note that the aspect of our practices that is about high-tech sex makes us really clever at reducing the risks of transmitting unwelcome organisms: many toys can be sterilized much more easily than people, and the more abstract joys of mental domination pose no risks of disease whatsoever.

  It is also a good idea to bring up and discuss your and your top’s customs regarding the use of intoxicants. We strongly recommend that you do not play when you or your partner is stoned or drunk. An intoxicated top is a dangerous top, and a bottom who is so stoned that she cannot tell what is going on is asking for injuries. We advocate moderation or abstinence. If you are so high that you are “feeling no pain,” you’re probably not feeling much pleasure either. We prefer to play with all our faculties intact because we like to be able to feel everything.

  Do let your prospective top know what you don’t like: individual differences are valid and important. For example, one man might hate any kind of pain on his scrotum, while another might adore it. Sometimes these differences are surprising: one of your authors hugely enjoys having her nipples bitten and pinched, while the other can’t tolerate the lightest touch there.

  If your scene will include sex, it’s a good idea to let a new partner know the particulars of what works for you to reach orgasm. Do you need clitoral stimulation? A firm grip? Lubricant? A particular position?

  Finally, you want to tell your partner how you get turned on, and you want to know how to turn your partner on. A play date is, after all, a commitment to get together, get turned on, and do lots of hot stuff. But what if you get nervous and you can’t find your turn-on? Well, nobody gets turned on by magic. If you think about it, there are activities that get you there: the sucking of ears and stroking of necks is a common route. Or maybe tell me a dirty story, or take your clothes off real slow, or take my clothes off real slow… Many of the routes to finding your turn-on when it doesn’t show up simply from the magic of opportunity can be discovered by simple common sense. Start with sensual stimulations that pose no challenge: massage, light flogging, touching of less sensitive parts of the body are good warmups for most folks. Intense stimulation and direct stimulation can come later.

  So there you are. Start out getting turned on talking about what you like, tell them the necessities in the middle, and then get hot again with what turns you on… and you’re ready to play.

  CAN YOU NEGOTIATE IN ROLE? Good negotiation is best done between equals. You may find communities in which this principle is not universally adhered to, but we believe that you can play more, with more people, more safely, and go further out on the edge, if you start from the position of two equals negotiating something they both want to do. They do not become tops or bottoms until the scene begins.

  Negotiating in role is not actually an exception to this principle of negotiating between equals, as long as it is understood by both parties that the top has made a commitment to hear and respect the bottom’s limits and desires. Remember that you, as a bottom, still deserve complete respect for your limits and desires.

  However, there is an increased danger of missed communications when you negotiate in role. Consider, for example, this dialogue. Top: “Seems to me you deserve a good spanking with this hairbrush, my little slut.” Bottom (in role as obedient slave): “If it pleases you, sir or madam” – or bottom (in role as reluctant victim): “No! Please! Not the hairbrush!” In either case, the top has no guide to the bottom’s real feelings, and the poor bottom, who may have been nonconsensually brutalized by hairbrush spankings as a child and be terrified of anything with bristles, winds up safewording out of the scene while the top wonders what she did wrong.

  Partners who have been playing together for a while may understand one another’s limits and communication style well enough to overcome these obstacles, and all of us sometimes need to negotiate in role in when something unexpected comes up. Experienced players accept this need and develop a language that works for them. Sometimes the bottom might say “I will do that if it is your desire” which, by agreement, might mean “I really don’t want to but I also don’t want to mess up this scene.” The old convention of having the bottom kiss the whip offers an opportunity for the bottom to evaluate his readiness for the particular object in mind, and, again in role, might offer: “Sir, I could probably take more of that for you if you flogged me with the soft one first.” Because of the possibilities for misunderstanding, and because one of your authors becomes conspicuously nonverbal the minute she gets turned on, we do not negotiate play in role with new partners or novice players.

  If you have to interrupt a scene to negotiate something, is this necessarily a disaster? So none of your clever communications in role managed to get across that your left foot has fallen asleep and you can’t ignore it any more, or that your top needs to excuse himself to pee? So it’s time to take a time out, and organize reality to better support your fantasy. Our experience is that this is not that difficult to do. If you stop the scene and fix whatever needs fixing, you will soon learn that a level of turn-on that took you both an hour to achieve in the first place is not lost, and can be easily re-established in five or ten minutes.

  Negotiations can also be handled in role when a top forces a bottom to reveal his or her most embarrassing fantasy, along with limits and other pertinent information. The top who insists that you tell him or her what you were too shy to say in the first place supports you and gives you permission. The embarrassment makes this very hot: tie me down and force me to reveal my heart’s desire? Oh, poor me!

  Negotiation can also be done in writing or by e-mail (although we counsel caution in sending e-mail from non-private locations like your workplace). Some dominants order the bottom to write out one or two or three fantasies, including information about his limits and desires. A letter or e-mail has the advantage of being a kind of private communication, reducing self-consciousness as it forces you to think clearly about what you would like. It gives the top time to think and prepare a response, and allows a scene to be set up where the roles are in place when the bottom comes to the door.

  THANKS BUT NO THANKS. Sometimes what you learn from a negotiation is that you and your prospective partner do not have enough common ground to develop a successful scene: not enough items in common on your YES lists, or one of you has a need for something that is outside the other’s limit
s. Maybe you don’t want to play the same game. Or your relationship needs and expectations are too different. Or maybe, during the negotiation process, you do not feel comfortable or safe with some aspect of this top’s approach.

  It can be tempting, in this circumstance, to try to push for agreement that doesn’t really exist. Or to start operating on the assumption that something is wrong with you if you don’t want what this other person does. Or to be untrue to yourself in order to please another.

  This won’t work. If you can’t negotiate a scene honestly, then you need to not play. However embarrassing or uncool or unsatisfying or disappointing it may be, it is important to be able to say NO.

  Saying no to sex or S/M needs no reason beyond not wanting to. No excuses are required. All you need to do is say no. No, thank you. No, I find you terrifically attractive but I don’t think we want to play the same game. No, I don’t feel that there’s chemistry between us. No, that’s beyond my limits. No, I don’t want to. Thank you for offering, but no.

  Remember, it’s emotionally far easier to say “no” before a scene than to stop one in progress… and the time you’re wasting doing a scene you don’t want could be better spent doing the scene of your dreams with someone else!

  “WHERE DOES SEX FIT IN? Take some time to look at the meaning of sexuality in your concept of a scene. Many players take this issue for granted – either assuming that there will be sex, or assuming that there won’t – far too often. And there is a lot of variation from one individual to another. For some people, sex is the reward they get after successfully completing an intense scene, so after the great beating or whatever the top becomes more of a nurturer arranging for the bottom’s pleasure. For others, sex is submission, more a part of how they get into bottom space and how they feel dominated by their top – if this is your picture, then waiting for the end of the scene to get fucked won’t work as well for you.

  And if your fantasy of giving service includes a little sexual violation now and again, then it is probably better to let your play partner know about this than it is to wait patiently forever in a state of unfulfilled yearning. On the other hand, if your hot fantasy about this is that your top is withholding sex from you because she likes to see you yearning, it’s a good idea to check that out with her, because that may not be her idea. Your top cannot read your mind, and unfulfilled yearning (sighing, heavy breathing, etc.) doesn’t really look that different from terrifically turned on.

  Your authors tend to like a lot of sex in our scenes: foreplay, middleplay, afterplay. We find that for us, sexual contact increases the intimacy of a scene and can generate an almost psychic intensity.

  TURNING FANTASIES INTO REALITIES. To script scenes from your fantasies, start by recognizing that you already have a lot of skills in manipulating fantasy that you have practiced over and over while playing with yourself – masturbation is a great learning tool as well as good fun. You probably already know how to pace and time the story, to rewind, or play certain parts over and over, and to fast-forward to the orgasmic part at the right moment. Real play can benefit from these skills as you adapt the timing of your mental images to the exigencies of reality, including the needs of a real partner of less-than-infinite strength, technical expertise and sexual capacity.

  If you try to make your scene look exactly like your fantasy in every detail, you’re scripting too tightly: your top will find it virtually impossible to play with you, and you are very likely to encounter interruptions and disappointments as reality stubbornly refuses to conform to your fantasy. Fortunately, you can help reality along by running the complicated or excessive parts in your imagination. You probably already know how to fantasize while you are driving a car, or at work, even while you’re having sex. This is a good way to deal with those frequent occasions when you want more than is really possible: as Dossie puts it, “Sometimes my eyes are bigger than my cunt.” Fantasizing while you play also can help you get into your part as slave or kidnap victim or what-have-you (or possibly who-has-you), because you can change your experience of yourself. You knew how to do this when you were a kid: your Batman costume made you a superhero, even with no Batmobile. That’s why we call it “play.”

  Your authors once did a scene together in which Janet was an evil pirate and Dossie her helpless kidnap victim. Janet confessed afterwards her concern that she wasn’t providing enough appropriately piratical dialogue, but Dossie reassured her that she had the ship firmly envisioned in her head, and Janet’s chuckles of genuine pleasure were all it had taken (besides a little creative costuming and appropriate bondage) to convince Dossie that her cruel captor had malicious designs on her, and to keep the pirate fantasy alive. And so what if one of us thought Dossie was tied to the mast, and the other to the wheel? It was actually some eyebolts on the wall anyway.

  S/M players are schemers. We are always scheming ways to take the most outrageous of our imaginings and experience them in reality. No matter how impossible a particular fantasy of, perhaps, extreme violence, or unlikely adventures like sprouting wings and flying, or science fiction extrapolations – the question is simply how to figure out a safe, consensual and do-able way to make it happen.

  At any time, in any scene, it may feel right to do part of what you want, but not all of it. Then you can choose whether to grieve over the part that wasn’t there, or delight in the part that was. Please remember – there is always the future. Anything that is worth doing in the first place is worth waiting for the opportunity to do it right. And if it’s really worth doing, then it’s worth practicing and doing it over and over till you get it right. After all, once you do, you’ll probably still want to do it over and over again because you got so good at it! We hope you will rejoice in the riches you have today while you scheme for the even greater riches you will enjoy tomorrow.

  KEEPING IT CONSENSUAL

  SAFEWORDS. Since we all agree (we hope!) that BDSM should be consensual, we need ways to ascertain that everybody involved is still consenting once the scene is under way. One of the easiest and most flexible ways to do so is with a safeword.

  A safeword is a code word that players agree on to mean “Stop, something is wrong.” The reason we need code is that lots of us like to pretend we don’t want to have all these amazing things done to us, and we may pretend by joyously shrieking “Nononononono,” so we need another word to mean that. Or we may become incoherent and need a one-syllable way to communicate.

  Safewords come in many forms. Many players use “red” to mean “stop, something is wrong,” and “pink” or “yellow” to mean “I don’t want you to stop but could you please do that lighter or slower or something or we will have to stop.” “Green” also can come in handy when what you want to say is “more, more, more!”

  Some safewords do not have to be in code: “My right foot is asleep” is a perfectly clear message, “May I speak?” is always a polite form, and “I need a little break now or soon” is also good communication. If you don’t want to use words, or you do want a gag, a rubber ball or jangly keyring, held in the hand, can be dropped or thrown to let your top know there is a problem that needs to addressed.

  Using a safeword is a difficult decision for a player, particularly an experienced one. Good players know that when their partner uses a safeword, she is often feeling disappointed, chagrined and inadequate over needing to do so. This is an important time for mutual support and affection. Whether the safeword has been invoked by the top (yes, tops use safewords too) or the bottom, it means somebody is having a hard time, and needs and deserves caring support and validation. Dossie was once subjected to ridicule for using a safeword, of the “Aw, c’mon, can’t you take it?” variety – and, she says, “It turned me into a real bitch real fast.” She never played with that top again.

  Never allow anyone to tell you that you were wrong to use a safeword; the judgment of when to use or not use one is purely your decision and is not debatable. Even if you’ve given consent to an activity in yo
ur pre-scene negotiations, you are entitled to withdraw that consent if the activity isn’t working for you – if it’s too intense or if you’re reacting in a way you hadn’t anticipated. Although a top may feel disappointed by your use of a safeword, she doesn’t get to express anger or reproach, or put you down for safewording. Your safeword is your mechanism for taking care of yourself and nobody but you can tell you how to take care of yourself.

  It can happen (and probably will) that in some scene or other, you may fail to safeword, then on later consideration wish that you had. You may have gotten so deeply into the role that you forgot that you had choices, or you got so nonverbal you forgot about speech, or you may have been too embarrassed, or maybe you just kept putting it off… most experienced bottoms will admit to having made all these mistakes. This can leave you in the very uncomfortable position of having played heavier (with, perhaps, some bruises and welts to remind you of it) than you would have if your top hadn’t turned your brain off for you like you asked him to.

  This is not an occasion to blame anyone, not your top or yourself. It is an occasion to arrange to talk later to the top so that she doesn’t continue operating on the assumption that you liked something that in fact you didn’t.

  We have met bottoms who say they don’t want to negotiate a safeword because “if I have one, I use it before I’m really ready for the scene to stop.” Our experience has been that as you learn more about your own limits and about your partner, you’ll learn how to “stretch” and allow your limits to be pushed further and further. There’s also no reason why the use of a safeword should mean that you have to stop playing entirely, unless that’s the specific meaning you’ve negotiated for your safeword: you can safeword, drop out of the scene, do whatever communication is called for to make the scene work for everybody, and then go right back to stretching those limits. Don’t give up on safewords… simply learn more about your own capabilities and desires.